This was originally written as a reflection of what I think my mom would say to me in present day if I could hear her voice. Yesterday I found these scribbled notes in my retreat journal from a couple years ago. I typed them and added some additional insights that have revealed themselves since. With the 25th anniversary of my mom's death coming up in May, my heart has been extra reflective of her wisdom and life's legacy. As I've been pondering the direction I will take with my writing, doing something in her honor has been on my heart. While I wrote this as a letter from my mom to me, I asked a wise truthful friend to review it today and she was touched and felt it might serve others to read. I pray as such.
To my daughter:
You’ve read my journals and you’ve paged through the scribbles of my life’s wanderings. You know some of my innermost thoughts and the not-so-pretty moments that I pondered and experienced. Yes, I gave you permission to read those words–and I also gave you permission to share what you thought could serve others. I do hope, more than anything, it helps you and your sister to live the remainder of your time on Earth in a greater sense of peace, joy and truly loving others, and God, in a more complete way– more free of worry and discouragement.
I know that you have read my journals and then your own and see how patterns of thought repeat themselves. I know you have prayed to break the cycles of doubt and the circles of shame and the feeling we both have had and written about in trying to make sense of how to be ‘in this world and not of it.’
I always felt like I messed up–that’s the part I want to help you shift. I don’t want you to pass those worries and fears on to Mara. Instead, love your life–as I often said, the ‘blessed busy blur’ that it may be…but be more at peace while waiting for heaven. You know my favorite three words: live, love, laugh. There’s so much to that! I know you were also thinking of my other three words, “Offer it up.” Both sets pertain to loving life and finding peace. Let me explain, please.
Live…in the moment. I know we (you and me) have a tendency to regret backwards and worry forwards. But in the moment, as you know your “friends” Mother Teresa and Therese of Liseux have taught you, we can handle whatever is ‘in the moment.’ You can ‘just be’ without being passive–rather you 'just' trust. There's no 'just' about trust, however, and you know that. But you do the next right thing at that moment, and trust Him (aka surrender) to make good from it. It’s when we try to control the future or marinate on the past (which is unchangeable) that we lose peace. In this very moment, no matter how ‘stressful’ it may be, God gives us the grace to sustain. So live for this moment.
Love. Truly to love is, as St Thomas Aquinas said, “To will the good of another.” I know that I wrote in my journals how much I may have messed up with you girls. I often pondered the day to day messes I felt I had made, but I know that while not perfect, I was trying to LOVE in each step. I know God gives us grace and mercy, I wish I had given myself a bit more of that in those moments. I know I didn’t get it right every time, but when it was difficult, those other three words, “offer it up” gave me the courage to willfully give up or over my suffering (albeit sometimes mild but annoying) IN LOVE--asking God to use my 'trials' for the good of someone or something else. It seemed to make whatever it was that was ‘hard’ or ‘challenging’ a bit less of a burden and more purposeful
Giving and doing for others seemed to flow naturally from me. Of course I was just a lowly "footwasher" so don't put me on any pedestals--it was part of who I was. I didn’t ever feel like I was doing anything exceptional or out of the ordinary, but I do encourage you to look for ways to be his hands and feet. Certain things flow naturally from each of us. Don't underestimate how words and edification from from you. I sometimes forgot that the true sign of humility was to know the gifts you were given and the abilities you had were FROM God to use for others. I hope you can be more confident in your gifts God has bestowed on you. Own them, use them, let them flow. I let fear and self consciousness sometimes rob me of the peace that came from what I did for others. I worried more than needed (then again you know that from my pages of scribbles). Please don't let the devil use doubt and discouragement to hold you back my sweet girl.
Daily give your FIAT to Him. I know that you first read that page of my journal thinking it was another of my acronyms (PTL: praise the Lord; TYLJ: thank you Lord Jesus). I know two decades ago you had no idea that it was so much more than a "Judy" acronym. While Juli was partially correct thinking it could mean: Faith In All Things (FIAT) I know you now know it was an echoing of Mary’s Yes, her FIAT: be it done unto me according to thy will. Breathe that in Missy. Breath in his will, surrender to it, and breath out a great 'magnificat' and let your life magnify Him. I wish I could at least whisper, though I would, in fact, yell: You have so much to offer the world, don't let fear stop you. Say the name "Jesus" and let him take over.
I learned that and had to live that some days more than others. My marriage, as you read, was a source of much heartache. I know that it was often your dad’s lack of love for God and His own stress and insecurities that caused his short temper. I know that had he let God love Him more he would have been able to love me in the way I wanted: kinder words, a more loving touch, sharing faith or focusing on things that were important to me. But, in hindsight, and even in the toughest moments, without knowing back then the ‘will the good of the other’ definition from St Thomas Aquinas, I know that so much of what your dad did–even his harsh tone and sternness–was because at the core of his goodness, he WAS loving by wanting life to be ‘good’ for us. He wanted to provide for his family. For that reason, he endured a stress-filled job and work environment, but then because he would ‘bring that stress home,’ I often was the safe place to let that stress out.
As you heard your friend Cris share the other night at bible study, “Always assume good intention” with others. I didn’t always remember that in the moments of your dad’s hurtful words and actions (as you painfully read in my journals). But, in the end, I did. I offered up the suffering in my final month(s) and the intercessory power of my time spent in heaven to help you dad find the true love of God in his lifetime. And by God’s grace, and even by your assistance, he had the opportunity to find forgiveness, embrace love in new ways, and to come to know God’s mercy before God took him in death as well.
As for the ‘laugh’ part (of live, love, laugh)...You know how much I loved to laugh. Laughter is a cry of joy and it releases stress and turns our eyes to the gifts God gives us. I love to see you laugh wholeheartedly as I would from time to time….to completely lose control of self to the joy of laughing is a gift from God. I know you all used to make fun of me for my laughing fits, and how you get made fun of too! I think, while in my journals you read that I felt like I was often the one people chose to pick on, I now know, even if done in jealousy or without good will, the devil revels in division, so choose to smile and laugh in the midst of motherly ridicule or when others critique or criticize is the best defense. Again, assume good intentions. Remember what I told you in High School? You could consider it a privilege that others would take their time to talk about you. It works the same way if your kids, or others, see you as someone to “pick on” or harass a bit. Choose to respond in love. And in moments of laughter, revel in the moment of sheer joy. It is a foretaste of joy that awaits in heaven.
I am with you. I’ve always been with you. Heaven is everything you can dream and more. But Melissa, for now, dream. Give others the gift of dreaming. You helped me in my final years to think of dreams I had let go of. Don’t be so afraid of failing that you miss living in all the blessings God has in store for you.
You know how much I love you…well DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I STILL LOVE YOU? Think about it. I didn’t stop loving you when my time on earth ended–I gained the capacity to love even more perfectly. Imagine that! ME? Perfect? Messy me, the footwasher: perfect. I’ve been interceding for you since I entered heaven. You’re as perfect as you need to be for what God needs of you now, this moment. Melissa. Missy. My sweet daughter. Be in each moment. Worry robs us of life as we are gifted to live. It won't be perfect until you’re here with me. But, you have a great life. Stop interrupting the flow of good things just because you know they aren’t what’s important. I know you read my writings about houses, cars, vacations that none of that matters…and while true, money and success are not bad–they don’t mean you love God less. Thank Him all the more. Thank Him for all things. Your beautiful family, friends, home, health.
Pick up your cross– daily. The little things, the annoyances, inconveniences, it’s worth it. Little one, if I could go back (to Earth) I wouldn’t. But given the chance to tell you what I want you to know: I would let God love me more– because then I could have loved more and better. I would have worried less. Worry is dishonoring God–it’s like saying you don’t believe He’s enough. Just do your part and let Him do the rest. Be at peace–trust God. TRUST GOD. Be confident in Him that He made you perfect and complete as His child.
Daughter of mine–love God and let Him love you completely–wholeheartedly hold nothing back from His love. Wholehearted living is the perfectly imperfect way to Love God til you see him face to face.
Love, Mom
My prayer in response:
Lord, restore my confidence. Help me to be the woman you made me to be– to use the gifts, strengths, talents and abilities to bring honor, glory and joy to you and others. Allow my humility to keep me submissive to your will, docile to your divine guidance and intervention and always open to your guiding hand.
Give me, Lord, a knowing of who I am in you, and who I am through and with you. Show me your plan revealing to me what you know that I can receive regarding the vision of the life you've called me to live. Instill in me supernatural courage and an overflowing confidence that will pour into others lives. May your Living Waters of love and mercy flow through me and to others to be blessed by my contact with them. Open the souls of those who you place in my life path to be receptive to your loving flow through me to them. May my vessel be open to receive all you pour into my life that it may overflow to others to magnify you. I wish to live each day to the glory of you, Lord.
Amen.
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